Goodby for Now...

As the sun sets over the mountains and the lake, I wish my youngest brother a safe and pain free passage to join my Mom, Dad and my other brother...It was a long three weeks and a huge struggle for him.  His life was not always easy..but he is now safely in the arms of all that have gone before him. At first we were four and now we are two.

This photo was shot last night and he died at 2 a.m. under a full moon.  It is mostly unedited except for a slight horizon adjustment and an auto tone correction In L.R.  I did not want to send him off with a fake sunset...

Rest in peace Jack...your struggles are finally over.

“ To the outside world we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters. We know each other as we always were. We know each other’s hearts. We share private family jokes. We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys. We live outside the touch of time.”– Clara Ortega

So Now Your Three

Dear Jaxson, you turn 3 years old today...for such a young boy you have a long and loving history.  I remember when we were waiting for you to arrive (not knowing it was you) I wanted your Mom to have a girl.  I think all Mom's dream of a daughter and all Mom's want their daughter to have a daughter, but you know, Mom's aren't always so smart.  Even though you might think we are.  I went so far as to wear OPI pink nail polish called "It's a Girl." Silly Nana, right.  But you had a surprise for me..and right from the start, you showed me boys are the best...you even showed up way early so you could get started with this journey of yours and you have proven over and over again in your three years...that life really is meant to be lived in joy and laughter...with a few tears every now and again when things don't go exactly your way.  

I love this photo of you and I.  It's our beginning...our real beginning.  It is the first time that I held you.  It was a special day. You were so tiny when you were born..barely the size of the palm of my hand but what I didn't know, and I wished I did, was that inside that tiny body was a big strong, happy boy...just busting at the seams to break lose of your nest and get started on your magical journey...and you wanted to take all of us who love you along for the ride...you see, now I know you had such a zest for life that you wanted to get the party started...from such a tiny spark...your world has become our bright light.

You worked so hard to come home...oh, it took you awhile for sure.  You did your job and we did ours by standing guard over that little tent of yours...camping out with you in the hospital and whispering words of love and dreams into your tiny ears...we fought with you for each ounce that you gained and cheered with great enthusiasm when you reached 3 pounds...that is when my heart settle down to a regular beat again..it is when I knew, in my heart that you were going to become our bright shinning star.  I just didn't know back then how bright you were going to shine...I love this photo of you also...when you came for the first time to the Maine house and snuggled in my bed with your Mom and your big brother Liam..what a happy day that was.

Before long you were healthy and growing, at your own pace, but what you learned how to do first, was smile.  That's a true story Jaxson, you smiled early and often...not just a tiny smile but big, big smiles and you giggled...You still do...your got your giggle from your Mom..she does that to.  You both laugh from the tips of your toes all the way to your head...Mom gave that laugh to both you and Liam and I love that...when you are all in a fit of laughter it makes my heart sing...happy tunes.   With each milestone that you were making, you were never far from your brother's side.  He helped you grown and learn.  He loved you from the moment you came home and he could finally touch you.  I get such a tingling feeling in my heart...almost like it could burst, sort of like fireworks, when I see the two of you playing when you don't know that I am watching.  I even like it when you have your arguments...because you say "sorry" to each other in a tone that melts me.  I know we make you say it...but I think you really do mean it...You and Liam will always be best friends, watching out for each other...walking life together.

I'm putting this Christmas photo of you and Liam in your letter today Jaxson because it is my favorite of both of you from last Christmas...I want to remember always both of your sweet smiles and what it means to feel the magic of Christmas.  I want you to know how you two have put the meaning of that day right in front of me...in the gift of both of you.  

So Jaxson...from a tiny spark to a great big flame...in only three years, I want to share with you some moments that make me know that God was much smarter than this person that you call Nana...oh, he knows girls are pretty and sweet...but also whiney...He knows that pink is a happy color...and shoes with bows and sparkles are fun to wear but he also knew, that for this family, we needed a Jaxson.  We needed a boy who loves all colors and loves life with such energy, and that energy gets passed to us...so much, that we all go to bed very early each day when we have been together.  God knew that you were perfect for us in every way...but mostly I think he knew that you and your brother would always light a fire under us...to help us understand that as we all grow, we still need to play and laugh and maybe even jump in a few puddles.  We need to see blue eyes that sparkle in the sunlight, and feet that run so fast...you can catch a star.  We needed to see dirty and sticky and know that in that little face a treat so delicious was enjoyed.  I especially, needed to know how wonderful your hugs can feel and how freely you give them...and I needed you to teach me about singing My Little Boy with The Eyes of Blue, at nap time, in the big bed. I made that song up just for you.  You have taught me so many lessons in your three years...oh My Sweet Baby Boy, I can't wait to see what adventures you are going to take me on this year...Let's get the party Started...You are my Sunshine everyday.

Perhaps we'll jump in a few more puddles...

Or maybe you'll continue to squirt me and laugh that sinister laugh, even when I beg for mercy for you to stop....you do love to tease me...

I love our Wednesday trips to the YMCA for your swimming lessons...you are so brave and you try everything...even diving off the big diving board.  Papa and I are so proud of you because we know how scared you were when you first started...but your "spark"  keeps you moving forward...

Sometimes super hero's need to slow down and rest...you and Liam already know why we go to the Maine house...it's the perfect place for just slowing down...even if you only do it for 15 minutes and then your off and running again with re-newed energy...

So Jaxson...this is how I see you...in living color.  You brighten any day, you smile often, you live life your on your own terms and no one can change your mind.  You sing, you dance like crazy.  That just about kills me and we have the very best conversations, I wish I could freeze your little boy voice rigth where it is...You color my world and you have, right from the very beginning...when you made your entrance at your own time...and I might add, with your own agenda and in that very tiny beating heart of yours, you already had a plan.  You came here because you knew we needed you, especially you, and you are giving..."TREATS TO EVERYONE'...and I like nothing better than a good treat...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BUDDY....Nana Loves You So Much...

A side note...sometimes people wonder about the Blogging Life...I do upon occasion also.  Then I have a day like today...when I want to really save and honor the special moments in my life.  Life isn't always easy, we all struggle but we also have so much goodness and reasons to be happy.  So much joy if we continue to see what we have been given.  I write because I want my kids and my Grandkids to know how important they are to both me and the world.  It adds a purpose to my life and someday I hope it enriches their lives.

Writing is not only for my family...it's a part of who I am.  It's what I love to do.  Writing about whatever moves me at any given time.  I don't try to make it more than what it is.  I don't strive for subjects to write about or write from prompts...I write from a personal perspective.  What I feel, what I love.  If I don't feel it, it doesn't happen..

If you visit my page...I hope you leave feeling that your time here has enriched you somehow, maybe put a smile on your face and sometimes maybe even shed a few tears...it's all good.  Life is happening...don't let it slip by...take a lesson from Jaxson..go out and live it...with Zest and a bit of Color. 

Be Still

Be Still.  One year ago I made a commitment to enter a photography course that would last a year...52 weeks to be exact. Think about that for a moment...52 weeks, 52 lessons.  Summer, Fall, Winter and Spring. No time off for good behavior or great shots.   It's a long time.  It's a lot of work and thinking but here it is, a year later, and it has big payoffs.  I did the time, missed only a few lessons and I'm a better photographer today than I was last spring.

Still Life is not easy for me, well it's easier now than it was a year ago.  Truth is, I'm an outdoor photographer with a big splatter of everyday life tossed in.  I struggled with Still Life but I desperately wanted to learn it because I saw the beauty and delicacy in it.  I would travel through the roads of still life photo's of others and I started to notice a pattern of beauty.  It was the softness and light that I found so lovely, with such a Victorian feel to it.  I swear in another life I was European.  I saw china tea cups, lace, lavender and linen.  Then there were delicate flowers of all shades of the rainbow and such sweet pastels, like iceing on cake. Food dripping with texture so wonderful you could almost taste it.  Ladders, baskets, vases, strings and ribbons of various colors and textures...and light, it was always about the light. Morning light, late afternoon light, side light, back light, natural light of every kind.  Lastly there was bokeh, lucscious bokeh...where do you come from and how do I find your magic. 

I had already taken classes with Kim Klassen.  Beyond Layers and Start to Finish.  I belonged to Tuxture Tuesday so I was familiar with her style..her easy way of presenting an idea and then helping us to turn it into a reality.  So I was a Kim Klassen groupie.  Her textures, her presets, her spirit and passion, her dog Ben, it all drew me in and so when Be Still 52 came along, I was in.  I was worried how I would stay with it for a year, but I've always believed the easiest way to get something done is to Just Start...and so I did.

I can honestly say that this year has changed me in so many ways.  I trust myself and my decision's on my photography choices.  I learned that if I want it bad enough I can go after it.  Also, if something isn't hitting me on the head, I don't beat myself up trying to make it happen because when I do that, it never is authentic or rich.  I learned that change happens, both in people and in life but I don't let that change my vision or my goal.  I've also learned that textures are rich and pre-sets add character to a photo.   They are not for everyone but they are for still life.  Finally, during this year it also came home to me that sill life happens everywhere.  In the house, in a studio, in the forest and at the ocean.  Still life is created whenever we take the time to slow down, find our spark, set the scene and move around.  Only after taking the time to breath into the photo, that which we see in our head and our heart, can we then press the shutter and produce the image.  

So as this year of Be Still comes to an end...I am grateful for all I've learned.  I grateful for the friendships I've made and the photography that I have witnessed happening by others.  It is a gift to belong to a group of like minded people sharing a common creative endeavor, yet all moving along at their own pace and beauty. Sparks and inspiration come from community. Technique comes from a great teacher and for that, I am indebted to Kim Klassen for her passion for teaching and her easy flow of understanding.  For textures, pre-sets, videos and connection...she has made it feel easy, even when it wasn't...I also know that I will continue to be part of this community in some way.  Connections are important to me and for that reason I won't be far or gone for good.  

So Still Life, now is a part of who I am and what I love..adding it to the list of all my other photographic loves..and to my love of writing.   As I go forward I plan on expanding my love of the written word with my need for the peace that photography brings...to be still in the moment, viewing creation and critters in a natural enviroment, and also in a studio to create my still life.  To feel the joy of creativity.  I now think of myself as a heart photographer...and essayist.  Shooting and writing whatever moves me at any given moment...this is what a year of Be Still did for me... 

White Lilacs

The air is molten,
Slow-moving and thick,
And filled with the heavy
Fragrence
Of white lilacs,
Like incense in the temple
Of the sun.
Memories float,
Seen through plate-glass
Windows
In people's souls.
Melodies lazily dance in
The summer sky,
Laughing notes that fall
Like trickling streams in
Scales,
In singing
Crystal waterfalls
That wash away the
Dust of life.

Audrey....

The above photo is dedicated to Kim Klassen...Her love of Lilac's is well know...the photo was edited in LR and then into Photoshop CC for text...KK pre-set used was pastelhaze.

Friends F. F. May 29th...

We are back, the Thelma and Louise of the consignment stores, and if I must say, today was a pretty big discovery and a bigger than usual haul...so the plan for today, after breakfast at the Tea House, was to head to Danvers.  That is actually where Dina is from but we have never gone there to look for bargains...we should have been there sooner.  We heard that there were 3 consignment shops there, one being fairly new. So off we went, knowing that there was not a minute to lose as Dina had a 2:30 hair appointment.  To some of us a hair appointment is more important than a doctor's appointment...punch it Martha, we don't have time to waste.

So the first store we hit was not a knew one to town, but a new one to us...it was small and really only had clothes of  the casual type, with no big names. We both did find the exact same pair of NYDJ's though and we take the exact same size, so how funny is it that there were two pairs.  Now if your not familiar with NYDJ, we got a bargin at $14.00.  They sell for $100.00 or better in any of the stores. Dina and I discovered them years ago and when they go on sale at Nordstrom's we are there, but even then you can't get them for less than $78.00. My daughter first got me to wear them and I've never gone back to any other kind of jean.  So right out of the gate we were on a roll. I also found a long black dress and a zip cotton jacket with a hood by Fresh Produce there.  Those will be good for Maine so I washed them and they are now in the going to Maine basket.  The thing that we like about this store is everything was priced between $10.00 and $14.00.  Score, but honestly, not my favorite shop.

So we moved on until we came to another shop, just up the street called Revival.  That sounded interesting. Grabbed our purses and off we went.  Three steps in we thought for sure we would not be shopping in this store.  First, it looked like a fancy ladies shop.  I saw designer bags on the shelf facing us as we entered. Before we could turn to leave a lovely lady came right over to us and introduced herself and then gave us the tour of how the store was laid out and how the pricing was done.  While she was talking I was sweeping the store with my eyes and I fell on Eileen Fischer..oh, I like her.  I sometimes get her on sale at Nords...Oh and there is St. John.  I have a suit of her's.  Remind me to tell you the story of how I got that suit someday.  So when she was all done giving us her spiel, we thought we might as well take a little look around.  We didn't want to be rude, after all that lady spent a few minutes with us, so we should give back.  Right.  So funny, Dina and I both headed for the Eileen Fischer rack.  In the photo above that is where Dina is and she's found something she likes.  She's telling me the ticket price is a bit pricey for a consigment shop but a real value for Eileen.  We both roamed the racks...

I found this sweet LBD, just perfect for the summer and I can even wear it in the fall with a sweater or jacekt..the thing about this dress that made it an instant purchase for me is that I have this Eileen dress in a green and I paid 98.00 for it.  It was worth the price because I wore it all winter with leggings...so for $38.00 it was in my bag.  Dina tried on a pair of leggings.  She has never worn leggings.  They are really cool in the winter. Warm and you wear really long shirts or sweaters over them or even a dress like my black one here..After trying them on, she was hooked and they went in her bag..I ended up buying three pair of them. I'll share a pair or two with Jenna.  I also bought these in the store last year, again under my daughters influence, I need to stop shopping with her.  In store, $99.00, at Revival, $28.00.. B I N G O.  Basket.  Lastly, I found a black lacy, short sleeve long sweater to wear over a sleeveless or short sleeved shirt or dresses and tank tops..I debated on this one but eveyone, including Dina was tell me how good it looked...so in the Basket it went.  

It was getting late..Dina checked her watch, while checking out a designer bag.  I was ready. We had been there and hour and 1/2 and we had never left the Eileen Fischer rack.  We went fromt the rack to the dressing room, back to the rack..yes, we spent a bit more than our usual budget this Friday but we got really lovely things..and every piece in the store had a dry cleaning tag in it.  Now that's a bargin right there..We laughed, we jumped back and forth, half dressed, to each others dressing rooms and we always tell each other the truth about how something looks on the body and if its not good it stays on the rack...she is the only friend I have that likes to shop like I do..today was bigger than usual but we know this store is a keeper. We have to come back...perhaps to see what else they sell on those other racks that we saw there...

I dropped Dina at her house so she could go to get prettied up and just as I was leaving she filled my car with these lovely white Lilac's...she knows I love lilac's and she knows I don't have white so after a most lovely day...I drove home with the smell of love in my car...no charge...

Happy Birthday Mom...TBT

I used to love May 28th. For so many years it was a happy day. It came right when spring was really getting pretty, with the trees blooming and flowers popping up all over.  My Mom's favorite early flowers were the pussy willow and forsythia. Whenever she saw a forsythia bush trimmed it would drive her crazy because it had more sticks than blossoms.  They were meant to grow wild she said.  I agree.   Then came the lilac's and they grew wild everywhere when I was growing up.  The purple and white were the only colors available back then and the smell was just as gorgeous then as it is now. To this day, I love the lilacs more than any other spring flower and yes, just the scent of them reminds me of my Mom.  She picked, cut and stole them from any bush she could reach.  There was no Trader Joe's for flowers and even if there was, there was surely no money for them..so the wild lilacs were a gift for her..in May, her birthday month. 

You would think that after fourteen years of her being gone that I would be over the longing of wanting to see her one more time, to spend one more day with her and tell her all the things that I miss now that she is gone..and also to tell her that I better understand now her struggles and hardships.  Life was so difficult in the early 40's for young people, military families in particular.  I was able to visit the place where my Mom and Dad got married in Seattle Washington this past fall and it was amazing to me how brave and strong she was. You can read more about that trip here.  I wish I could tell her now, that I think she had more courage than I would ever have but I didn't get this wise about her until she was gone.  That saying, better late than never...not always true..I think more to the point would be...say what you have to say now because you don't know when never is.

For so many years my Mom was lucky if she got a cake on her birthday and I can honestly tell you that I don't remember if she did.  I'm hoping it's just a faded memory and of course my Grandmother would have made her a cake.  I hope she did.  My Mom never took much for herself.  I don't think she could have even if she wanted to with four kids to bring up and a job as a clerk in a drug store and I don't think my Dad was making big bucks in the Military being a Staff Sargent.  Maybe early on those stolen lilacs were the gift she gave herself and who could deny her the scent of flower in disguise of a perfume she would never have from a bottle.  So as we grew and got jobs, we, her kids, started buying her small gifts.  I think she treasured everyone of them.  They were mere trinkets in the scheme of life but to her they were gifts, wrapped up in cut-up paper bags and tied with twine.  

What I remember most was after I got married, I would look forward to her birthday.  Now I could buy her proper gifts, girly gifts, wrapped in real wrapping paper and ribbon.  Sorry, no gift bags back then.  I would delight in giving her things that she never had, simple things like clothes, books (which she loved) and dinner out.  Oh how she loved that...she would dress up like it was an extravagant event, and for her it was. Sometimes I would give her gift certificates to her favorite store and then when my brother started his own business as a jeweler, he would give her jewelry.  She was almost afraid to take it.  She was overwhelmed by the richness of the gifts that we gave.  She didn't want us "wasting our money" on her...but I don't think she ever got the joy that we felt in giving to her...even though we learned that joy from her.  She gave us whatever she had. It was always us first.  She couldn't grasp the fact that we could afford to be giving to her. I remember the day I bought our house on the Lake she was so afraid for me.  That I wouldn't be able to afford it and Jim and I would lose it because it was to much money, the kind of money that she couldn't imagine.  Of course we knew we could afford a second home but to her she thought we were both having a mental break-down of some sort...so it was so much fun to give to her...

I think about those days now, I think about if she were here now or if she had lived a few years longer than what she did, how much more I could have done for her.  Although we took her on many vacations, I would have loved to have taken her, one more time, to her home in Nova Scotia. To the place where her Mom and Dad were from.   I would have taken her to dinner every week, not just once in awhile.  I could have given her a closet full of clothes but my guess is that she would have been so overwhelmed she would have saved it all as "her best" clothing for special days.  I would have taken her for manicures and pedicures.  I know she never had either of those and I would have taken her to Boston more.  She loved theater and plays.  I know that because every Christmas I took her to see Dickens Christmas Carol at the small local theater here. Now that was real dress-up event...break out the jewels Dick, she's going to the theater.  So many things, I didn't get to give her.  So much time wasted in bitter arguments before healing came to us.  Now, so many springs gone by...I miss the thrill of stealing with her...so what if they were only flowers, it was still kind of fun to break the stems, toss them to each other and run like crazy...I loved that as a kid.  

The list could go on and on of what gifts I could have shared with her but in truth...those gifts are not the gifts that she would even have wanted.  I know my Mother well enough to know what gifts matter most to her, what gifts she would have loved to hold in her hands.  She would have wanted the gifts of more time with her son, the one she lost the year before we lost her.  She would have wanted to know that the 3 left behind are all doing well and honor her as best we can by making her proud of where we stand today.  She would have loved to watch her grandchildren grow and get married.  To know that my son is on his chosen path because of her living and then dying.  Her love for him was overwhelming and he used that love to give to others in his own way...knowing that nothing is permanent.  Jenna also would have made her day with her joy and outright laughter and being strong and successful in her own right.  The most special gift from Jenna though would be the gifts of Liam and Jaxson...she would have loved to have held those babies and watched them grow. She would have loved the goodness of one and the naughtiness of the other, both with hearts full of joy and cheeks made for kissing. I somehow have to believe though, that from her soft pillow in the universe she watches over all of her gifts...and she is saying "what more could I want ?"  Her answer would be, "nothing more." Finally, she has the gift of acceptance and validation, that her life had meaning and purpose and lots of love.  What more could one ask for as they skid into heaven...but acknowledgment for a job well done...a life lived to the best of their ability and at times with great sacrifice.  She did the best that she could do with what she had. She leaves behind, even to this day warmth and a genuine attitude of having all that she ever needed and that our expectation today of all that we tend to gather would just be foolishness to her. She was smarter than I gave her credit for.

So Happy Birthday Mom...it was a hella of a ride.  I'm down here stealing the Lilac's for you..and smelling your beauty...every spring...just as you would expect me to...and May 28th is going back to being special once more.  A day that I can again love..because I'm the keeper of your gifts.  I truly hope someone up there is baking a cake for you...because that is one thing you always loved...even for breakfast..