The Sun Sets On Four

Dear Jaxson, here we are again.  It seems like yesterday that I wrote about you turning four and now we are saying goodbye to four and welcoming five.  I'm not really sure if the time is going by faster because your growing up so quickly now or because I turned the dreaded seventy this year and that is pushing us forward quicker.  Either way, I am here again to thank you for such a great year.  Every year with you is so special and because of that, I want you to remember our times together when you are a big, big boy and so I write for you and include photo's from each year of all the awesome things you have done.  You know I do the same for Liam...because I don't want either of you to forget, as you travel through life, to have lots of fun and to keep trying new things.  That's how you grow in love...with people, projects and things.  Don't forget Mother Nature either.  Right now you are really good at taking care of her and she really needs lots of help, so keep Mother Nature on your list of things to take care of.  So my sweet boy, lets have a little look back at what we did together when you were four.

 

How can we go forward without looking back...this was such a big day for you and you love the smoke coming from your birthday cake. You blew all the candles out at once...Great job.  I couldn't do that this year at my birthday. So many candles would probably set the house on fire...great job Jaxson.

This was your gift from Nana and Papa so you could have a bike at our house.  It certainly did not take you long to learn how to go fast on this.  Actually, you like to go fast everywhere.  Cool helmet you picked out.

Your first year driving the big boat in Maine.  This was really a special day and yes, once again you wanted to go fast.  It was such a fun summer at the Maine house with you and Liam.  Papa and I had lots of fun and were glad you could come so often.  

Some photo's don't really need words.  You just look at it and know you want to remember that photo forever.  This is one of those photo's of you Jaxson .  It just melts my heart.  You are so sweet and handsome.  Maybe because you are mostly smiling and laughing and in this shot you are sharing your sweet spot.

When we weren't at the Maine house in the summer, we were at Gooserocks beach in Kennebunkport.  It's one of our favorite beaches and you and Liam love early morning kite flying with Mom.. Shh, everyone is still sleeping.

After summer and so many trips to the beach and lots of boat rides, making smores at the campfire at the Maine house, it was time for Fall.  Canobie Lake Park is where we go every September and this year, another first for you, driving the bumper cars.  It was a bit tricky for you to learn to turn the wheel but once you got it, yup, off you went, really fast.  Go Jaxson. Catch up to Liam if you can.

So many things happened in the Fall.  In October we rented a trailer at Point Sebago in Maine and that was such a fun long weekend, that we decided that this year we would rent one for a whole week in the summer. You did really good at the campfire this year.  Remember last year, you put a burn in Liam's jacket...whoa.

Also in the fall we went to the Audubon and you and Liam practiced your camera skills.  It makes me so happy that you both love being in the woods and always want to bring your camera's.  You got your first very own camera this year and you got some really good shots..don't worry about the people with no heads, that will come next year.

I would say by the looks of these last two photo's that Nana has something out of order.  I think this one belongs in the late summer, early fall group.  Can you guess why, Right...we don't have coats on. It sure was a fun day at the Audubon.  I learned how to lean my camera on the rock and it took a photo all by itself.

So, lots of new lessons for you last fall...You are now doing karate, which you love.

How proud were you when you got your award for breaking that wood in half with your foot...Nice job Buddy. How to be a great Crouching Tiger Cub.

You played soccer for your second year and now your really good at it.  So nice that Mom was your coach.

Then Thanksgiving and Christmas came..and we went to the Tea House to see Mrs. Clause.  I loved that day best.  Liam and you, then Mom came home early from work and met us there. Both you and Liam are the best tea buddies. When we are home we have it everyday together.  You both were pretty excited about the holiday season.  I got excited because you were excited and that's one of the things that so nice about having you and Liam in my life...you keep me excited each time I know I'm going to be with you or even just running over to your house for a hug, a kiss and a high five. 

Remember these...your favorite Christmas present from this year.  You march to your own beat when it comes to dressing and I must say, you have very good taste.  A bit on the wild side but that's how you roll.  I like that about you...you have a mind of your own and you stand up for yourself.  Don't ever change that and going forward don't lose your ability to be a bit edgy.  It makes you who you are and you'll always stand out in a crowd.  You know me, I like to sparkle whenever I can, ya, you be the same way.  A little bit of sparkle keeps them guessing...

I think our little family really, really loves the ocean because we find it every season, even in the winter. Here we are at another favorite place, St. Maarten.  Pinel island is special.  Beautful water and great sand and no rip tide or currant.  We all feel quite safe here and you love doing your own thing.  It's a joy to watch you play, jump and build sand castles...

But one thing you don't like about Pinel Island are the Iguanas.  I took your hand and we walked by them and then we knelt down together and you were really surprised when they just walked by.  I bet next year you won't be afraid.  I have to admit though, they are kind of creepy looking...

You learned how to whistle early in the New Year.. and you whistled all the time...then we had whistling contests in the car. Papa was the loudest, I can do songs and Liam was a bit on the not so good side and you..you just keep whistling...I think you had your own happy tune in your head...you sort of reminded me of my grandfather...he whistled all the time to..so it was nice listening to you.

One cold, wet day in late winter we went to the beach at the Salem Willows with your Geiger counter that you got for Christmas.  You found two quarters.  You said "you were rich"...I don't know if you were rich but Papa and I think we are pretty rich having such great friends...you and Liam are the best.

Of course all winter long Papa and I take you and Liam to swimming lessons...but what a big year it was for you...finally, you jumped off the diving board.  I know you were scared but you decided to be brave and you were so proud of yourself.  That was a fun ride home as you relived EVERY moment of that dive.

Some days we don't do much.  I think it's good to just rest and play sometimes.  So you get your John Deere jeep out and go for a ride up and down the road at Nana's. You and Liam play post office and fill the back of your jeep with packages that Liam tapes up with duck tape and then you drop the boxes off at the neighbors houses. You always let Liam drive...but you drive when your friend Parker comes to play.  Those are really fun days and you both are so creative. 

Before you know it...spring arrives and spring means baseball season...and you are one heck of a baseball player.  You hit the ball, run like crazy to first base..not only do you step on the base..you really protect yourself from getting tossed off...and what the heck, while your out there, you might as well do a few karate moves...practice anywhere you can...right Jaxson.

Rounding third and heading for home..go Jaxson, go.  I know that look on your face..i see it every time you think you pulled something over on me or Papa or even Mom.  You know right here that you are going to make it...no sprinting for you...You give it your best and collect your high fives at home base...way to go.

You only have one more year of pre-school.  How can that be.  This year you learned how to write your name, and do all kinds of great things.  You learned how to pray each day and you learned how to be kind and gentle to the world.  I love how much you love everything.

Another thing I love is how you take everything to heart.  When you had to shhhish Mom because she was talking during your ceremony, you did it quietly but she got the point. You are a very good listener and most always follow the rules.

Another new sport for you is riding.  You and your pony Sneakers go out every Wednesday and you just love it.  This makes me happiest because I love horses and riding also...but Nana has a bad knee so I haven't been in awhile.  I do like to see you up there though, so proud and learning so fast.  You already know how to steer Snickers wherever you want him to go.  You know what Snickers loves best about you...he loves the carrots you bring him each time you go.  

So this is how I sort of see you now.  Riding off into boyhood, away from toddlerhood. My heart fills with gratitude and love for you.  I don't think you could ever know how much fun you are. How you fill my days and Papa's day with laughter and knowledge and the wonders of childhood that we had forgot about because your Mommy and Uncle are so grown up now.  You though, your just beginning.  We had a great year together Buddy. That's what you are, my best Buddy.  I just want you to know, one of my most favorite things about this year was our "car seat conversations"...Yes, all those rides in the car and sometimes at Costco...oh my.  I learned a lot...you know, I think your right.  We have so much fun "because we have a lot in common."  How did you ever get so smart...when you started out as a little sprout.  One more year together before you go off to big boy school.  We better keep working on making each other's "heart smile". That's another expression that you taught me and just so you know Buddy...my heart smiles every time you show up on my door step and yell "I'm back"...come on in little one.  You are most welcome here...

Happy 5th Birthday Jaxson...Nana loves you to the Moon and Back

You are my Sunshine..

Sidenote: Father's Day weekend: Maine house.  Jenna, Jaxson and me...in the big bed.  Jenna starts singing "your are my sunshine to Jaxson...he listens for a minute, stops her and says, "Actually Mom that's Nana's song for me".. 

My Date With A View

So there I was, standing on the other side of this glass...looking out over the city of Boston..This view, I have always wanted to see it and maybe I did a very long time ago, but tonight I stepped out of the box, for a very special reason.  You see, I don't do elevators, but even when I'm forced to, I never go 52 stories up. It's a major problem for me and has been for many years but sometimes, for the right reasons, you have to put your big girl pants on and step out of the box...one corner at a time. I've been doing just that more and more lately.  You all know I just had a big birthday and when I crossed that line I became very aware that it's now or never with a lot of things...at the end of the day I want to know that I didn't leave anything undone that I really wanted to do.  So, I did this.  Not easily, just ask those in the elevator with me..I was the door man, and the button pushers and I was in charge of how many got on that mechanical steel box. None of that matters though.  What matters is that I did it and how I felt after and when can i go again.

My motivation was strong...my friend/sister in law was celebrating a birthday.  I don't get to see her very often because she lives in New Hampshire and I live in Massachusetts and we have busy lives, both of us, with kids and grandkids.  I wanted this to be special for her and also special for me.  I did tell you about my birthday this year already...so going along with that theme..I took the plunge and told my heart to be still because I wanted to surprise her and that I did.

Her and I go back a long way.. she knows my history, I know hers.  Those are the best kind of friends because they love you anyways...She was married to my brother, who unfortunately is not with us any longer..but is still very much a part of our lives.  I am grateful that his passing never changed our relationship, in fact Wendy and I became stronger and almost more committed to keeping our families connected for these last 17 years.  So when Jim and I  found out that my nephew and niece were taking her to the Top of the Hub, we invited ourselves...LOL... and of course they thought that was a very good idea. That my friends is where the big girl panties come in.

To make a very long story short, I will tell you that for many years, more than I like to think about, I suffered from agoraphobia...and at one point I never left my house, other than for doctor's visits and emergencies, for 3 and a half years.  Not a time I like to look back on.  I did the work, and slowly I got better but like any other trama it never goes away, you just learn to manage it and I do that brilliantly for the most part, except for ELEVATORS...and 52 stories is more than I can walk. Poor Jim, I remember once I made him walk 16 flights up out of the underground in London.  It was amazing that I was underground but I could not take that small box back up to street level and so we walked slowly and deliberately and I was ever so happy to see the sun at the top.  So on this night...I knew as I walked towards that big nightmare that I was going to do it...for Wendy and for me.  Time to hang up the fears for as often as I can and to celebrate the good times with the best people.  What a night it was...we laughed as we always do when we are together...We told stories of long ago...I'm sure the kids were impressed with that.  We had wine, but only one for me,  I had to drive that elevator back down, then we had cake and the magic view.  I stood looking out for such a long time..going in it rained the entire way until we got to the parking garage and then it stopped.  A little miracle and a gift.  I had been lamenting about finally going up to the top and not being able to get a view...instead I got the most gorgeous view just as the sun started going down.  It doesn't matter that I had to shoot through the glass, it doesn't matter that I didn't get the sky completely lit up, I got the gift of a view and it felt so good.

So that my friends was a special night...I hope as much for Wendy as it was for me.  I had forgotten the lesson of the more you do something, the easier it gets.  I also won't say that the flight down those 52 floors was any easier than going up.  As head elevator girl, I kept the number of passengers  to a reasonable size getting on...no overloading and no one else working the panel.  I was the elevator operator. When those doors finally slid open, after a long 42 seconds, I felt myself let go and breath.  I also know that I could do it again if I wanted to.  

Wendy is special.  She always has been and I'm sure my brother was looking down and smiling, happy to know that we are still family and even more than that, we are friends.  She was my motivation to take the trip.  Yes it was her birthday and I was so happy to have spent it with her but it was me that got the gift...and hopefully during the night the joy was passed around to all that were at that little table spinning every so slowly above the sky line of Boston...I've got a few more corners to knock off that box...one I will do at the end of April with another special friend I will be meeting in Concord...that will be freeing also..

Happy Birthday Wendy...I love you more as each year passes.  I love the way we laugh more than anything else...Yes, I think this should be a yearly event...who knows maybe next year I'll give elevator tours..that could be fun..and thank you Doug and Lori for putting up with your crazy Aunt...you are both such good keepers of us elders. A really special time was had by all.

If any of my friends here need to step out of the box that is holding you in...don't wait until your 70 to put your best foot forward...start now, right where you stand..you'll be so glad you did and along the way, enjoy the view.

"One change always leaves the way open for the establishment of others." Niccolo Machiavelli