A Gift...With Lessons

Did you ever receive a gift that was so special and wonderful that you almost didn't know how to respond to it..A gift that was not expected to give you lessons on life the longer you viewed it...all gifts are wonderful because they come from a place of love...some gifts come when you least expect them and you wonder why.

Four months ago..we received such a gift,  a second Grandson.   In all these four months I have not written about him much or even shared many photo's...I started thinking about that recently because I was feeling bad and I was afraid that time was slipping away and I didn't want to forget his birth and the leaps he has made since then.   I certainly remember the joy of my first gift of a Grandson almost three years ago.  I wrote about him constantly and took a million photo's or more..I made him a photo book with words and snaps for every month...yet I didn't do this for my precious Jaxson.

Why?? was what was making me crazy...why,  why,  why .I wonder now if it was because this lovely and wonderful blessing came so early...he came bounding into our world and hearts very early one summer morning, like a storm at sea.   He came in a hurry and created lots of fear, as well as joy, with his tiny little body as we all stood in awe of his arrival...I wanted to say..."go back Lil Sprout", you need to cook some more. It was not to be and so we were on a journey with him that at that moment, we could not see what would lie ahead. I think in the beginning of his little life it was fear that stopped me...don't write,  don't photograph, try not to love him to much...but then I saw his fighting spirit and I knew we would all help him in ways we were yet to learn because he was fighting for his right to be here...and so he started teaching us lessons,  right from day one.

Over the course of his four short months he has taught me the meaning, in real terms, of what fighting for ones life really means.   He showed such bravery and strength to get to where he is today..No amount of pain, tubes, tests and ultra sounds were going to stop him from coming home to all of us who waited for him..He adds new meaning to "letting it all hang out" as he laid in his little isolate each day with nothing on but a tiny diaper, seeking warmth from this little oven...he showed what having "just enough"really means when he was feed through his tube to get big and strong...not more than he needed to sustain himself,  but just enough. Then he learned how to work a binky and that was his treat. Mostly he showed us how to love him even when we were scared..He did that by always responding to  a warm touch on his little head and gentle pressure on his tiny belly..he would relax into the feeling of touch..it would comfort him, and us, as it was all that we had to give him..I learned that as he reached each marker, that I set for him in my mind, that he was really saying..."hold on Nana,  I'm getting there",  and when he did, I set another marker for him..and just like his big brother, as he grew, he to was pulling on my heart strings in every way.   

I did journal him through photo's but never posted any of those early days...I now know that I did it so that we could hold him close to us...I was not ready nor was his family, to let him go out to the big wide world...We wanted to contain him and keep him close and safe.  We wanted to protect him as he learned how to grow stronger. Today we still protect him...but it's more now so that he does not get an infection that could compromise his health. Those early day photo's are hard to look at but they are his journey and I will now put them in a album for him to have some day...I have a lot of catching up to do for him but the biggest and most lasting gift he has given me is the knowledge that if we fight hard enough and long enough and stay strong through it all, we can survive most anything...He might have been tiny but he always had a very big heart.  He instinctively knew our world was a great place to plant his feet and so he pushed forward everyday,  enduring whatever it took to come to know us and to claim his space on this planet, in this time, his time.   He is my hero...for ALWAYS.   

Today he is beautiful, smart and he knows how to get what he wants...he learned from the beginning that he was loved and he snuggles into life like his big brother snuggles into his blankie...when he looks into your eyes with his big bright ones, your heart will skip a beat as you realize how far he has come in a very short time...he is life affirming that goodness and love and Grace,  does indeed come in very tiny packages...and so I give you fair warning...you will be seeing and hearing much more about My Little Sprout as he continues to grow strong in the Barton/Crotty Garden.  He is blossoming more wonderfully everyday. So you see The Gift is Him...just as he is and always was. In the beginning he knew where he was going, he trusted the process, even when we weren't sure. I am sure now, that  he has many more Lessons to teach me...and I'm waiting with an open heart  to learn them.

Blessing Abound in Jaxson Lucas Barton...

The First Time I Held Him, Maybe 4 lbs. A connection was made..Love

 

AND NOW MY LITTLIEST ASSISTANT

One Fall Weekend in Maine

Fall is my favorite time of the year..especailly in Maine. Great country roads, lots of farms, great apple orchards and lots of woodburning smells. Life gets slow, people go home and the quiet and peace that brought us there returns once again.  Family comes, leaves fall, acorn are carried away by the chipmunks and squirrels.  You can hear the sound of silence in the air...and feel a nip of cold on your nose.   All reminders of what a wonderful space I walk in.  How blessed I am for fires, family and at the end of the day,  a glass of wine and a glorious sunset. It doesn't hurt to have a few good camera's either for those drives along the back roads...above are a few of my favorite snaps from this past weekend...

Autumn is a season suffused with warmth and beauty-from the rich hues of the changing leaves to the golden glow of afternoon sunlight..that gives way to striking amber sunsets.

I Wasn't There

I wasn't there when the Towers fell...I wasn't there when the thick smoke enveloped the people of Manhatten and beyond.  I couldn't sense their panic and fright...I wasn't there for my kids and that was the hardest piece for me..I couldn't protect them, I couldn't comfort them,  I couldn't comfort me,  the not knowing of this great tragedy first hand.  I wasn't there for 911.

I was in the beauty of Venice, Italy..and I remember someone yelling on the balcony below,  America has been attacked..it was late afternoon.  I opened the large veranda windows and I thought someone must surely be playing a joke...they were not.  Limited access to the BBC and trying to phone home was a nightmare...I wanted to be there,  not in Venice.

It was a week before we could return..I did know that my kids were o.k. but it was a very eerie feeling on 9/12, when we were waiting to board a gondola, and the tour guide informed all of the visitors that at noon time..there would be a minute of silence to pray and support the United States...It was the saddest moment because they were talking about us.

At the airport the following week...I tried not to let the man in the Orange jumpsuit and turban,  sitting crossed leg on his seat..scare me...but I was scared. Scared of everything,  him,  the unknown,  the plane and so scared of what we would find when we got home.. It was surreal to arrive in Boston under heavy security.  I felt like I was in some weird science fiction movie as I drove out of the city and followed the route to my small town...So many American flags flying...quiet in the air,  quiet everywhere...I just kept looking and my throat welled up to have my feet on American soil again...even if, at that moment, it was tarnished by Terrorist...It was still home and my kids were waiting and we would hear the stories...because I Wasn't There.

Shortly after returning home my husband and I wanted to feel the connection that we were denied by not being here so we went to New York and we visited Ground Zero..It was soon after the attack,  shortly after they allowed the public to walk there.  That's where I saw the devistation and that's where I smelled the violence...That's when I knew and felt the soul ripping events of 911...that's when I cried for real.  I think that smell at Ground Zero will stay with me forever as all horrific things do...they get into your heart and soul and find a place and they become part of you.

As life does,  it moved on and slowly we learned and listened but they were stories...It doesn't get in your bones, nothing gets in your bones unless you experience the actual event...for me I will always feel left out of 911 to a certain degree.   Not totally though because I did know of some of the people who died that day. I knew the head flight attendant on Flight 11 out of Boston...MY Aunt's niece,  Karen Martin.  Young, so young. It was becoming more personal for me...I went to her funeral and it was like no other.  Sad beyond sad...respectful beyond respectful..standing room only.  And then we waited...for someone to lead us to peace.

In June of this year my Son and his Girlfriend took me to New York...It was a Christmas gift from Jen..She is a photojournalist and she lives in the city...such an awesome gift and she had planned a beautiful weekend for us..It was wonderful having someone that knows their way around the city and also the subway system,  my own personal guide.  We visited several photography galleries and museums,  walk all the districts and then had a wonderful high tea at Sympathy and Tea in Greenwich...during that weekend they had asked if there was anything that I would really like to do or see while there and all of a sudden it occured to me that I would like to see the Memorial for the 911 victums...I had read that it was newly opened.   So after a busy day in Manhatten they told me that if I would really like to see it that they would take me...so off we went...we hailed a cab...Mary Tyler Moore style.

I was so surprised as I visited the museum...videos of that day and the days that followed...voices, real people from the depths of the destruction talking and I felt like they were talking personally to me...I zoned out.  I listened to it all while following along with the photo's that were taken and displayed on the walls. Pieces of the clothing of victims,  badges,  gear of the firefighters encased in glass ...I was wandering in my own world and soaking up all that I had missed and it felt like "real time"...

Then under heavy security we moved outside to view the two water pools,  each set on the footprint of the two towers that fell.   Both towers honoring the lives of those who were lost is at the heart of this mission.  Occupying eight of the 16 acres at the World Trade Center, the Memorial is a tribute to the past and a place of hope for the future.  Each person who died in those towers or on those planes hitting those towers, and all the folks who rushed in to help are etched in the tower that they were involved with...we were there at dusk and each name is illuminated at night from below...roses can be bought and left in memory of a loved one...the water continuously flows over the rail and into a fountain at the bottom..Park benches,  beautiful trees and a sense of peace and honor...a beautiful and loving tribute to all who gave their lives for us that day...

 

As I turned to leave I looked up and right in front of me,  amongst a group of trees and wonderful golden light, I saw the flag,  The American Flag,  and I saw other's looking up also...a reminder that we continue to live in this great country and that nothing can take us down forever...we will always honor those who give of themselves and we will always be Free...

I Wasn't There....but I will always be part of that day...because I am an American.

"What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us;  What we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal."    Albert Pike

Take A Walk With A Friend

I love this photo of Liam and his Honey Bear...it's his best friend.  He often takes it when we go out and this day was no exception...he was taking Honey Bear for a walk.  He is the big brother now and when I watched him walking from behind I was reminded that even though he is the big brother,  he is still very much a sweet, loving baby himself...it made me feel good that the "big boy" is still a bit away.

As for friends,  I walk with my girlfriend every Friday...we rarely miss a week unless one of us are away...It is a sweet feeling to be with her,  know that almost 50 years later we still connect like Liam and Teddy...Sometimes I think she would even like to grab me around the neck.  She is the sister I never had,  she knows my history and loves me in spite of it and I know her's also so no cheating on who we are...at least not to each other..and we have declared Friday's our day..it is such a wonderful gift we give each other.

So perhaps you have a friend that you have not seen or talked to in a long time..Maybe now that summer is over would be a good time to re-connect...maybe just a card in the mail..yes people really do appreciate snail mail.   A phone call would also be lovely.   Think of the joy you might bring to a friend right now...and you to, might just benfit from a connection also.

Have a wonderful weekend...if you don't have a friend,  go out and make one...

"Ask any woman how she makes it through the day, and she may mention her calendar, her-to-do lists,  but if you push her on how she really makes it through her day, or more important,  her months and years when things get rocky...she will mention her Girlfriends."  Anna Quindlen...Lots of Candles,  Plenty of Cake.

It's In The Air

A new week, a new month and soon a new season...time marches on whether we are ready or not.   I can feel it in the air.  The mornings are crisper and the rain is wetter...The sun is low and not as strong..In New England the change comes quick.

Finishing up one course on Relections of You and now moving on to Sparkle...Not sure how long I'll be sparkling if I don't slow down... but really it is good to keep learning and although I need the lessons,  some days I just have to know that I can't make it....but learn I do and this is a thank you to both Xanthe and Kim...what great spirit they bring to the in-box each day.   Creative genius's for sure and they hold us in their grip always promising more.   

So we march on,  soldier's of learning.  Into this new season with it's lesson's and light...yes Lightroom here I come.

The color's are changing here already.   Newness is in the air and I will welcome it with all the good that it will bring...cider donuts,  pumpkins, orange, red and yellows...Babies growing, walks in the park and kicking up some leaves.   

Then when it becomes to much I'll go away some place warm and wonderful...I also have a travel list to add to the List in Beyond Layers...

St. Maarten in February...every year.

Oregon Trail...soon

Seattle Washington 

Back to England...one of my all time favorite destinations.

I'm keeping my list small for now so that it is attainable...Lastly the most beautiful place to me will always be my little house in the woods of Maine...everything that calls to me is there.

Enjoy the changes coming your way...so much beauty out there.   Go find yourself some.