I Miss My Mom

I miss my Mom...I miss seeing her,  I miss talking to her,  I miss my Friday morning breakfast and shopping with her.   I miss the fact that she never got to see my daughter get married or my son start his own business.  Most especially I miss that she never got to meet Liam and Jaxson...she would have loved them so much.  She was a wonderful grandmother to all her grandchildren, mine especially, as we lived in the same neighborhood and since she didn't drive, I took her everywhere she needed to go.  She took my kids every Saturday night so Jim and I could go out...yes..she was a special Grandmother and she is also missed by those kids.

When I was cleaning out my bookcases earlier in the spring, I came across some books that were forming a pattern for me...I started to become aware that I had several books on Mother's and Daughters...I still have four that I have not read and one that I read that has many page tags in it...Places to look for a Mother speaks to me and The Lost Years..is the one I'm most interested in...You see,  My Mom and I were not close like I am with my daughter and so from the looks of these books,  I'm still searching for my Mom even though she has been gone 12 long years...Also this past year when I visited San Diego, I came across the statue of The Kiss and realized, with much thinking on my part, that those times were my Mom's and Dad's and when I got home, I called my Aunt to see if she could tell me about their love story.  My Mom never did and neither did my Dad. My Aunt was so helpful and from there...I started questioning her life even more.

My Mom was born in a generation of keeping secrets and keeping quiet.  There was no personal conversations and not much love shown...I guess we were suppose to assume because we were provided for that we should know we were loved.  I was always one of those children though that needed the concrete proof of love and acceptance and when I didn't get it,  I assumed that I wasn't worthy. That is not unusual for a child.   Children don't know how to process adult situations.  I spent all of my childhood seeking approval from the adults in my life and not having received it entered adulthood not feeling connected to my Mom. Really that is all I ever wanted.  How do you learn to love when you have never been loved.  A question I pondered for many years..and without going into to much detail, it took me a very long time to "get it"...I wasn't the nicest kid on the block growing up...but I was a survivor.

In the end, my Mother did learn about love...in the hardest way a Mom should have to learn...my younger brother got cancer and  we all helped to care for him in his last few weeks of life so he could stay at home.  I saw a side of my Mom that I had never seen before...she was loving and caring and sweet and sad.  So many lessons were learned in the hours and days of sadness and grief..Up until that time my Mother just didn't know how to love outwardly. She was ackward with words and hugs.  It wasn't her way and now I know,  it was not shared with her by her parents.  How sad for her.  Those two weeks though she gave freely of all that was inside her and I hope she felt a release of power in the lessons my brother taught us all.

After that sad time and for the rest of that year (my Mom died one year after my brother) she never left one of us without a hug, a kiss and an I love you...but the biggest gift she ever gave me...was not how to be a Mother but how not to be a Mother like her...I took all that I wanted from her and never got and poured it into my own kids and now my Grandchildren...they know every day how much they are loved and valued.  Now they have to take the world on,  just as I did, but I hope they have more power in which to do it...More "I can do anything" because their Mom believes in them and they know it.

There are so many questions that I would have loved to have had answers for from my Mom...so much she could have taught me and shared with me if only she had been taught the lessons.   A generation of "secrets" and holding back is finally over for my family.   But those books I found tell me that I'm still looking for answers to how mothers and daughters bond.  My mother can't give me those answers anymore, actually she never could. It helps me to know that know.  Not that she didn't want to but that she couldn't. With the knowlege of that I wonder how lonely her own life must have been and why she made some of the choices that she did. I just hope that as I move forward, that my own daughter knows that there are no limits to what I would tell her if she asked...Then again, maybe I should ask her..."is there anything you want me to know."   I wonder as I ponder that question, if I had asked,  would I have gotten an answer...do you think the secret is in one of those books...probably not.

I would say if your Mom is still alive...love her well.   If she is not, be thankful for what she was capable of giving.   The human heart is big and strong and we have the abiltiy to pass the love along...

Happy Mother's Day to everyone Mothering something...we are Mother's of the earth, all of us.

"We all warm ourselves by fires we did not build and drink water from wells we did not dig."  

Robert Lawrence Smith

I Collect....

I collect...interesting isn't it...Oh My God...do I collect..but I'm trying to keep it under control as I start to collect more things..

First off...I could write a daily post on what I collect but I'll break you in slowly...My most favorite thing to collect are books...I love books..can't live without them and everyday I have to read something...and I read anywhere...including the bathroom...I know,  so do you.  Any serious reader does.. That's where I have my magazine time..oh, and my other magazine spot is on the treadmill..honestly it's an expensive hobby unless you hook a few here and there from the Doctor's office or the gym..they really don't care...they don't even pay for them...

Next are my books..I LOVE my books..I always have a book going and I savor the good ones...and I fill the books shelves in both of my houses with all kinds of books...but my favorites are Non-Fiction and really,  really good novels...good novels have good literature..I am not a fan of "what's new on the New York Times best seller list"..usually they are just the most popular and more like a beach read... I also love reading about writing. My favorite author is Charles Dickens and I would need an entire blog page to tell you about my love of his works and the many homes of his that I have visited over the years...I am really thinking of making a book page as part of my blog...

And of course Quote books...I know you can google quotes and poems, but I like to hold my books, mark them up if I love something that is written...save it on my bookshelf, look at them, like some looks at fine china. They make me happy and make my house a home..I've just finished collecting a little series of quote books...you can see them in the photo above..I love them so much I haven't even taken the little tags off them yet..and next to each quote that I use...I write in the book where the quote is and why I chose that quote for that particular photo or note...so I collect books and magazines...the magazines will have to be for another day...I've got some "keepers" to tell you about...

A few other collections that I manage to squeeze in the house are my tea cups, tea stuff, and gifts from friends...I don't throw anything away that someone takes the time to get for me...I collect friends..that is a really great collection and I've learned how to find the very best ones...when I stopped saying "yes" to everyone, just to be liked,  I started being able to see where the beautiful "girls" where...some are from very long ago and some I've picked up along my journey's...Keepers all of them...

So someday I will tell you about some of my other collections...like kids, and grand babies, pets and geriatrics..Cooking and tea parties, and of course my precious photo's..oh my, I am never bored...and did I tell you I collect yarn for all my knitting...I am always amazed when someone tells me that they are Bored...are you kidding me I want to scream...I don't have enough hours in the day to do all I want...I feel like saying..."get a life" before it's to late...but another thing that I've collected over the years is wisdom...wisdom to keep my mouth shut, even when I don't want to and some days the wisdom gets away from me...but those stories are for another day..

I have to go collect the laundry...

"Welcome problems and eat them for Breakfast." Alfred A. Montapert

"Choose life-only that and always and at whatever risk....To let life leak out, to let it wear away by the mere passage of time, to withhold giving and spending it, is to choose nothing."  Sister Helen Kelly

Buds and Blossoms

B... seems to be the theme right now, at least for me...Birds singing,  bees buzzing and buds and blossoms everywhere the eye can see.  Pink, white, yellow, they all remind me of the beginning of spring that leads us to the road to summer...

Like these beautiful trees..the buds almost feel to me like a healing..When we are experiencing new growth and coming alive again after a long rest...just like the trees...it doesn't happen all at once but when you begin to see that a change is coming in nature,  you start to hold onto a hope that change is coming for you also...I know that's  how I felt this spring...

The winter was long and stressful at times...but it doesn't ever last...that's the good news...I heard the birds before I saw the blooms..my first sign, that we once again, get to watch the miracle of nature, bring us the message that things don't ever stay the same...

It lets us know that the long days of winter are coming to an end..that the sun will feed our souls just as it fed the trees and birds and bees..the colors of spring will bring us joy and surprise,we feel our bones waking up and our minds getting excited again about life on the outside instead of on the inside...pains and worries seem to fade a bit as each day gets a tiny bit longer.

There are so many reasons to trust in the circle of life..just the smell of spring is enough some days to help us remember how precious each day is..how blessed we are in all that we have..how nice it is to wake up after a long winters sleep...Life brings challenges but each spring it  always brings Hope...and the world looks a whole lot better...Go stand on your porch..close your eyes, smell it, feel the warmth, listen for the birds..take a deep breathe....what your experiencing is Spring...enjoy every moment...it's a free gift for all to unwrap.

"Expect to have hope rekindled. Expect your prayers to be answered in wondrous ways. The dry seasons in life do not last. The spring rains will come again."   —Sarah Ban Breathnach 

And Spring arose on the garden fair,
Like the Spirit of Love felt everywhere;
And each flower and herb on Earth's dark breast
rose from the dreams of its wintry rest.  —Percy Bysshe Shelley

The Man With No Legs Stands Tall

Lower Pool at the Condo.  Where the pool meets the ocean.

As I cruised the perimeter of the pool, hanging onto my noodle, I took in the sights happening around me...The pool connects to the deck of the restaurant of our condo...I did this exercise each day while in St. Maarten as a form of exercise because I could not walk...I have a blood clot in my leg and on the plane over, that leg swelled...and so I swam. I found this so annoying because my leg had been feeling so much better before the trip down. Although I like to swim, I don't like to be forced to choose this as my exercise of the day...My husband, on the other hand, was out walking and I was wishing I could be with him..I love to walk and check out all the estates in our area and it really does feel more like exercise to me...which I really love doing..but being faithful to my program, I swam instead.

A few days into this routine, as I was splashing around the pool..I happened to look up to the deck and saw that several people had come down for breakfast.   One of the men there was in a wheelchair. Just as I turned to view the deck he backed up...and I was very surprised to see that he had no legs...it made me feel sad for him and my assumption was he must have been in the military and lost his limbs during the war...never assume you know the answer to someone else's problems...lesson learned.   As I passed by, riding my noodle, the gentleman said "good morning" to me and I in turn, responded...and strangely enough or maybe not so strange because I can talk to a tree and have a lovely conversation, him and I started chatting...St. Maarten chat in the beginning..It goes something like this.. "is this your first visit to St. Maarten", Are you staying here",  do you own here", how long you been coming down",  what's your favorite restaurant",  you get the idea.   Then the conversation took a turn...

He started to tell me how much he loved being there. He had been coming for many years and owned 9 weeks of time share...I was impressed with that but my wheels were turning.  He then told me that he wanted to sell a few weeks as he wanted to spend more time in his beach unit,  down the bottom of the hill...yes, the hill..You see where we are is at the bottom of a group of hills and continues down one more steep level to the beach..It is hard enough to walk down,  never mind go down in a wheelchair...but he does it every day and he also comes up the hill in his trusty red magic machine...he proceeded to tell me how much he loved it here...and that each morning he drove his chair to the edge of the pool down below and then he was able to lift himsel to the wall and get into the water,no help needed, just a bit of muscle work...he gave me pause to think about how difficult his life must be even in this sky blue haven..

Coming up the hill from the Peli Deli..

The next morning as I was doing my best ever Esther Williams impression around the pool...my friend was there and I smiled and asked him how he was...his face lit up like a light bulb and he said "I'm doing great, how about you? Really, was I going to complain to him about my little blood clot or my sometimes headache...I think not...so my response was the same..."how's the water" he asks...terrific and warm I respond.  I knew in that moment that what I said was true...it was terrific and after 2 seconds of getting in, it gets warm..."enjoy your exercising he says"...thanks I say...Then I ask "where are you off to today",  "Oh I have to do a bit of shopping at the Peli Deli.."  He starts to back his chair out from the table and says, " time to go, I like to get up the hill before the heat sets in.  Off he went to the store,  climbing that hill in his electric wheelchair, and as I though of how difficult that must be,  my thoughts were really on how he was going to get down that hill. I was hoping his breaks were good.   A short time later,  I did see him coming back, his groceries were packed and tied onto the plate where his legs would normally be and he was zipping down the hill.  Though I feared for him if things didn't go well...I was amazed at his ability to live life to the fullest,  no matter what his disability..He was genuinely happy and enjoying his life, missing two legs at the hip didn't change his attitude..And folks attitude is the answer...

The view down to the Beach Condo's where my Friend had to go.

We all have difficulties to overcome and some have disabilities that are beyond our comprehension...but life is still beautiful and you have to find the joy and the love that you are entitled to each day.  You can't sit on the pity pot for long or you lose the goodness that still surrounds you.   A blue sky, birds singing, children and babies laughing, a loving pet who brings you joy and the love of your family and friends is always there to get you through the rough patches if you just let the light shine in...and yes,  sometimes we can get down, but we can't stay down. Funny, I'm sitting here writing this for the first time in a coffee shop..and have been able to ignore the chatter going on around me...but somehow I just "turned in" and the song playing is "only the strong survive"...karma or what..don't check out of life...we are each stronger than we think..

That man left the resort before me..and I missed him the next week.  He left a lasting impression though.  As I got in the pool that second week..I swam like a dolphin, no whining,  just doing it and enjoying it.  My leg was better but I still choose the pool.  I'd look up at that blue sky and think of my friend...and know that for me..the lesson is to keep on pushing forward.  There is so much more out there that I need to do and I need to do it with gratefulness and gratitude for all that I have..and by the way..that man did not lose his legs in the war..he lost them just three years ago to complications from diabetes...that was the kicker for me...just three years ago and he's up and running again..no pity pot for him...he doesn't have time and neither do I.

"When two paths open before you, take the harder one."Nepalese Proverb

"Everyone must row with the oars he has."  English Proverb. 

What I Did On My Winter Vacation...

The grey matter of winter disappeared for two weeks into a fireball of sunshine, song birds and pink allamanda's. The roar of the sea and the crashing of waves, against giant white rocks, was my music as I sat and read and napped, taking in all the quiet and warmth of the Island of St. Maarten.  It filled my soul with renewed energy, healing all the worries and stress that arrived with me this year...sunshine, the ocean and sand between your toes is really powerful medicine for body and spirit.  I am home now...feeling "put back together" just by watching the world go by in the mystic blue ocean atmosphere....and I will admit, the Margarita's are good for the soul also...but that's for another day...

The beautiful Sugar Bird...singing to me from his branch above my head...on the Island of Panel they are plentiful...I love seeing and hearing them each year...Pinel Island is a short boat trip from St. Maarten.

A most gorgeous flower is the Allamanda..Not sure if we have those in the States but they are abundant on the Island of St. Maarten...yellow is the other color that I have seen but this color...oh I love it.

The roar of the sea crashing against the rocks is joyful to watch...I get lost for hours in the play of the ocean.

Then it's time for my daily nap in my sandy beach chair...best naps happen in the sun.

Do you know how to tell if a beach vacation was great...well, for me, it's about how many books I got read. This was a great vacation, completing 2 novels, and one writing book and numerous articles that I had not gotten to all winter...yup...reading is my top priority...well after eating, drinking and napping...all of which has to happen on the beach..and so you don't think I'm doing all of this alone...meet my beach buddy..Honey Boy.

So that's a little glimpse into my winter vacation...and yes it was a bit sad to say goodbye to Mr. Sunshine and his wife, Warmth...but I'm very happy to be home again nestled amongst my family...and the really good news is I get to go again next year...only next year...it will be for 3 weeks...Hmmm,  maybe I'll take a ride over to St. Bart's...and see if I can scope out the "stars".... Cheers..