I Miss My Mom
Friday, May 10, 2013 at 03:32PM 
I miss my Mom...I miss seeing her, I miss talking to her, I miss my Friday morning breakfast and shopping with her. I miss the fact that she never got to see my daughter get married or my son start his own business. Most especially I miss that she never got to meet Liam and Jaxson...she would have loved them so much. She was a wonderful grandmother to all her grandchildren, mine especially, as we lived in the same neighborhood and since she didn't drive, I took her everywhere she needed to go. She took my kids every Saturday night so Jim and I could go out...yes..she was a special Grandmother and she is also missed by those kids.
When I was cleaning out my bookcases earlier in the spring, I came across some books that were forming a pattern for me...I started to become aware that I had several books on Mother's and Daughters...I still have four that I have not read and one that I read that has many page tags in it...Places to look for a Mother speaks to me and The Lost Years..is the one I'm most interested in...You see, My Mom and I were not close like I am with my daughter and so from the looks of these books, I'm still searching for my Mom even though she has been gone 12 long years...Also this past year when I visited San Diego, I came across the statue of The Kiss and realized, with much thinking on my part, that those times were my Mom's and Dad's and when I got home, I called my Aunt to see if she could tell me about their love story. My Mom never did and neither did my Dad. My Aunt was so helpful and from there...I started questioning her life even more.
My Mom was born in a generation of keeping secrets and keeping quiet. There was no personal conversations and not much love shown...I guess we were suppose to assume because we were provided for that we should know we were loved. I was always one of those children though that needed the concrete proof of love and acceptance and when I didn't get it, I assumed that I wasn't worthy. That is not unusual for a child. Children don't know how to process adult situations. I spent all of my childhood seeking approval from the adults in my life and not having received it entered adulthood not feeling connected to my Mom. Really that is all I ever wanted. How do you learn to love when you have never been loved. A question I pondered for many years..and without going into to much detail, it took me a very long time to "get it"...I wasn't the nicest kid on the block growing up...but I was a survivor.
In the end, my Mother did learn about love...in the hardest way a Mom should have to learn...my younger brother got cancer and we all helped to care for him in his last few weeks of life so he could stay at home. I saw a side of my Mom that I had never seen before...she was loving and caring and sweet and sad. So many lessons were learned in the hours and days of sadness and grief..Up until that time my Mother just didn't know how to love outwardly. She was ackward with words and hugs. It wasn't her way and now I know, it was not shared with her by her parents. How sad for her. Those two weeks though she gave freely of all that was inside her and I hope she felt a release of power in the lessons my brother taught us all.
After that sad time and for the rest of that year (my Mom died one year after my brother) she never left one of us without a hug, a kiss and an I love you...but the biggest gift she ever gave me...was not how to be a Mother but how not to be a Mother like her...I took all that I wanted from her and never got and poured it into my own kids and now my Grandchildren...they know every day how much they are loved and valued. Now they have to take the world on, just as I did, but I hope they have more power in which to do it...More "I can do anything" because their Mom believes in them and they know it.
There are so many questions that I would have loved to have had answers for from my Mom...so much she could have taught me and shared with me if only she had been taught the lessons. A generation of "secrets" and holding back is finally over for my family. But those books I found tell me that I'm still looking for answers to how mothers and daughters bond. My mother can't give me those answers anymore, actually she never could. It helps me to know that know. Not that she didn't want to but that she couldn't. With the knowlege of that I wonder how lonely her own life must have been and why she made some of the choices that she did. I just hope that as I move forward, that my own daughter knows that there are no limits to what I would tell her if she asked...Then again, maybe I should ask her..."is there anything you want me to know." I wonder as I ponder that question, if I had asked, would I have gotten an answer...do you think the secret is in one of those books...probably not.
I would say if your Mom is still alive...love her well. If she is not, be thankful for what she was capable of giving. The human heart is big and strong and we have the abiltiy to pass the love along...
Happy Mother's Day to everyone Mothering something...we are Mother's of the earth, all of us.
"We all warm ourselves by fires we did not build and drink water from wells we did not dig."
Robert Lawrence Smith
Reader Comments (6)
speechless . . .
so many times I've nodded my head with this post, Cheryl!
Last thing I said to one of the nurses at the hospital, after hearing she had just driven quite a distance to pick up HER mom to take her to "Beverly" MA on Sunday was,
"My mom hasn't been to visit me in over 20 years."
When I began to finally accept her limitations, the pain subsided.
Like you, I needed to have love proven to me, especially since it was brutally taken from me as a child.
Thanks for sharing this amazing story, Cheryl.
Secrets . . . yes, our family was ALL about secrets and sweeping stuff under the rug and using me as a scapegoat many times for unresolved issues. Yes, hospital visits have become more frequent over the years. I'm gonna work hard on staying healthy, mentally and physically.
Like you, I refuse to pass on hurtful things from the past.
You are a spectacular mom, grandmother, wife and friend.
I'm blessed.
Happy Mother's Day!
luv,
a
Cheryl - your post resonated so loudly with me. I lost my big brother to pancreatic cancer almost 2 years ago. It was the single saddest time of my life. Whenever I think of him, which is often, I well up with tears. He was too young, had so much to offer (he was a doctor) and so many people who loved him miss him terribly. But it certainly puts things into perspective. Thank you for sharing your experience and memories.
Well Mother's day is over and I can move on...except my Mom's birthday is on the 28th of this month and so she will occupy more space in my head...but it's o.k. now...in the end, we worked things out and we were good friends...I am grateful for that.
Thank you Antoinette and Tina for stopping by...It's always good to know that when we put ourselves "out there" that we are not alone.
Your comments were really touching and helpful...
Catching up on your last few blog posts & this one really touched me. It describes my own experience pretty accurately. You write so beautifully about your mom & your life & I love the place of acceptance you have come to. You've led the way for me, & others I'm sure, who have to make peace with our mothers- with their frailties & limitations, with the pain they carry which was passed on to us. You've helped me, by your example, to find a softer place in my heart for my mum, to find the strength to keep on trying to find connection, to forgive.
I've just spent 2 1/2 weeks alone with my mum & it was probably the best time we've ever had. She was vulnerable & weak after a bad fall so her defences were down & I was finally able to care for her. She hasn't let me before. I think I surprised her & she's maybe beginning to see me differently. We still don't have the kind of relationship I have with my daughter but change for the better is happening.
She taught me so much about what Motherhood isn't...I hope she's beginning to see that another way is possible. While there's life there is hope- hope for change, for reconciliation, for connection, for love.
Thank you my friend for your open heart.
Thank GOD for your beautiful blog.
Praying they don't change this format too!
Happy Mother's Day EVERY day . . .
With love, always . . .
Dear Gwen...I think you also wrote very eloquently of your experience with your Mom...in defense of your feelings, I will say time allows for more understanding of the life they lived that we really didn't know much about...so because I have a few years on you, I was able to forgive and forget some of what happened growing up...and to be honest, I have come to realize more of my Mom's past since she died...Do you know she never had a really good friend, someone to lean on, and that makes me so sad for her...I couldn't survive without my friends...Oh the list could go on and on and in the understanding of her life, I can forgive her some of her meanness and withholding...yes, You, Me and most woman of our generation find it such a joy to have loving relationships with our own daughter's.
I'm so happy to have had a daughter because now I know "what should have been."...Jenna is a joy and I know Amy is that way for you also...time heals, love grows...all is well.