Always, for My Dad

If only I knew then, what I know now...I would have asked more questions, given more thanks for what you did and where you went, each time you left. I would have listen more later in life and given bigger hugs and I would have noticed the pride in which you held yourself whenever in the company of your fellow man...

I was but a small girl...and you were my Dad...I thought that was enough.  It wasn't...so each year, I give thanks for your time and the gift of freedom that you have given to me and countless others.  I decorate your grave and display your flag in my home...because, now I know...

The Boys...Catching UP

Catching up with the boys..It's now November and my little love bugs are just so busy...I have to make a date with Liam to catch up with him...He is approaching his 6 birthday soon.  I don't know who told him it was o.k. for him to turn six.  I've been telling him for years that it is not alright for him to keep getting bigger.  In spite of my words and big hugs, he refuses to stay small.  So now he goes to school each day on the big yellow bus...loving each moment that he is gone.  He is happy, healthy and friendly according to his teachers.  He working on his letters and his writing.  His days are busy.  Then on the weekends, he's up early for his soccer game in the morning and his football game in the afternoon.  Birthday parties and play dates fill out the rest of his week.  He takes his sports quite seriously and really likes to win.  If that doesn't happen, he moves on easily enough, usually with the promise of an ice cream from the ice cream truck. Then there is Tuesday. Nana/Papa day as the boys refer to it.  We still have our adventures but they are more low key now.  Snack time first, and a few minutes to relax until he builds up his energy to go outside and play with his friend across the street...He runs in and out now, checking to be sure we are close by but trying so hard to let go and become a bit more independent.  I'm liking that it is getting darker sooner now, the boys will have  to come in for tea and cookies before heading home with Mom in the late afternoon.  Even though we only have about an hour of quiet time, we still enjoy having them here and we welcome the noise, shoes, and jackets that fill the house in our short time together..  I'm holding on to Liam as tight as I can.  He is still my best friend...how do I know this, well, he tells me.  it's music to my ears...

Jaxson, Jaxson, Jaxson, he is doing such a great job of filling his big brothers sneakers. On Tuesdays we have him for the entire day.  He comes bounding in early, tossing his shoes and jacket, letting them land wherever they may and he's off with a million questions about everything. He's always so happy to be here and he loves his time alone with us.  I suspect though, that he misses Liam quite a bit.  He runs to greet Liam every afternoon when the bus drops him off, always wanting to know how his day went.  Jaxson  goes to nursery school three days a week so we won him for the Tuesday slot. It is such a nice time for us to have Jaxson to ourselves for these next few years...It's really special and we try to make him know how happy we are just to have him for ourselves...each week we plan an adventure geared just for him.  First though, he has to go to his swimming lessons.  Last year it was not his favorite activity but this year he loves it and has become a bit competitive.  He's such a small guy, looking so impressive as he stands on the edge of the diving board to take his turn on jumping in...wow..At the end of each lesson, he gets a treat out of the vending machine...a favorite part of his day...and if you ask him how he did at swim...he responds with a resounding, "I did great"...yes, every week.  We do go off somewhere for lunch or to Barnes and Noble but my favorite part of Tuesdays with Jaxson is nap time...yes, when he's here we still do nap time.  Not so much for him but for me...for the snuggles and stories, his and mine. For the kisses and squeezes...I know I'm holding on to them perhaps a bit longer than necessary but I can't let go just yet...soon...but not yet. I love rubbing his hair and smelling him..I love scratching his back as he arches it for more...so many things still to capture that remind me of his babyishness...that is quickly leaving.   He knows he's a big boy now, he will tell you that.  Soon, very soon, it will all be true...

Last week I was able to get them to come with me to my favorite flower garden..Long Hill.  The sun was bright, the colors vibrant and the breeze warm.  They ran, looked for frogs in the ponds and climbed all the walls.  The laughed out loud as they caught each other...and made fun of me as I was going glow...if the camera came up, Jaxson would stop and say "cheese"...Liam is over that.  It was one of those days that reminded me, in the moment, of how grateful I was for these boys.  For the fact that they live so close by. For the warm fuzzy feeling that only a beautiful fall day brings...for the gift of breath and laughter and legs to run on...So, although I know where this road is headed, I will still live each day with the boys like it will never end.  Nothing wrong with living with a bit of denial every once in awhile. After all, I'm just a kid at heart also...

In another way...this is also my thank you to all of you...who have come on this journey with me.  You have watched the boys grow, and support my time on this blog with them..Your friendship and attention to them and me has been wonderful...keep stopping by, because there will always be more to this story...in has no ending as far as I know....👀  I've got my eye on them and on all of you...

Moments

There are moments that cry out to be fulfilled.

Like, telling someone you love them.

Or giving your money away, all of it.

Your heart is beating, isn't it

Your not in chains are you.,.

There is nothing more pathetic than caution

when headlong might save a life

even, possibly, your own.. Mary Olive..Felicity

Don't Worry

Don't Worry

Things take the time they take.  Don't worry.

How many roads did St. Augustin follow

before he became St. Augustine?

Mary Oliver....Felicity

Fall Songl

Another year gone, leaving everywhere 

It's rich spiced residues. vines leaves,

the underneath fruits crumbling damply

in the shadows, unmattering back

from the particular island

of this summer, of this Now, that now is nowhere

except underfoot, moldering

in that black subterranean castle

of unobservable mysteries-roots and sealed seeds

and the wanderings of water.  This

I try to remember, when times measure,

painfully chafes, for instance, when Autumn 

flares out, at the last, boisterous and like us longing

to stay-how everything lives shifting

from one bright vision, to another, forever

in these momentary pastures.

Mary Oliver

Little Red Wagon

“My thoughts turn to something I read once, something the Zen Buddhists believe. They say that an oak tree is brought into creation by two forces at the same time. Obviously, there is the acorn from which it all begins, the seed which holds all the promise and potential, which grows into a tree. Everybody can see that. But only a few can recognize that there is anther force operating here as well-the future tree itself, which wants so badly to exist that it pulls the acorn into being, drawing the seedling forth with longing out of the void, guiding the evolution from nothingness to maturity. In this respect, say the Zens, it is the oak tree that creates the very acorn from which it was born.” 
― Elizabeth Gilbert