Happy Birthday Mom...TBT

I used to love May 28th. For so many years it was a happy day. It came right when spring was really getting pretty, with the trees blooming and flowers popping up all over.  My Mom's favorite early flowers were the pussy willow and forsythia. Whenever she saw a forsythia bush trimmed it would drive her crazy because it had more sticks than blossoms.  They were meant to grow wild she said.  I agree.   Then came the lilac's and they grew wild everywhere when I was growing up.  The purple and white were the only colors available back then and the smell was just as gorgeous then as it is now. To this day, I love the lilacs more than any other spring flower and yes, just the scent of them reminds me of my Mom.  She picked, cut and stole them from any bush she could reach.  There was no Trader Joe's for flowers and even if there was, there was surely no money for them..so the wild lilacs were a gift for her..in May, her birthday month. 

You would think that after fourteen years of her being gone that I would be over the longing of wanting to see her one more time, to spend one more day with her and tell her all the things that I miss now that she is gone..and also to tell her that I better understand now her struggles and hardships.  Life was so difficult in the early 40's for young people, military families in particular.  I was able to visit the place where my Mom and Dad got married in Seattle Washington this past fall and it was amazing to me how brave and strong she was. You can read more about that trip here.  I wish I could tell her now, that I think she had more courage than I would ever have but I didn't get this wise about her until she was gone.  That saying, better late than never...not always true..I think more to the point would be...say what you have to say now because you don't know when never is.

For so many years my Mom was lucky if she got a cake on her birthday and I can honestly tell you that I don't remember if she did.  I'm hoping it's just a faded memory and of course my Grandmother would have made her a cake.  I hope she did.  My Mom never took much for herself.  I don't think she could have even if she wanted to with four kids to bring up and a job as a clerk in a drug store and I don't think my Dad was making big bucks in the Military being a Staff Sargent.  Maybe early on those stolen lilacs were the gift she gave herself and who could deny her the scent of flower in disguise of a perfume she would never have from a bottle.  So as we grew and got jobs, we, her kids, started buying her small gifts.  I think she treasured everyone of them.  They were mere trinkets in the scheme of life but to her they were gifts, wrapped up in cut-up paper bags and tied with twine.  

What I remember most was after I got married, I would look forward to her birthday.  Now I could buy her proper gifts, girly gifts, wrapped in real wrapping paper and ribbon.  Sorry, no gift bags back then.  I would delight in giving her things that she never had, simple things like clothes, books (which she loved) and dinner out.  Oh how she loved that...she would dress up like it was an extravagant event, and for her it was. Sometimes I would give her gift certificates to her favorite store and then when my brother started his own business as a jeweler, he would give her jewelry.  She was almost afraid to take it.  She was overwhelmed by the richness of the gifts that we gave.  She didn't want us "wasting our money" on her...but I don't think she ever got the joy that we felt in giving to her...even though we learned that joy from her.  She gave us whatever she had. It was always us first.  She couldn't grasp the fact that we could afford to be giving to her. I remember the day I bought our house on the Lake she was so afraid for me.  That I wouldn't be able to afford it and Jim and I would lose it because it was to much money, the kind of money that she couldn't imagine.  Of course we knew we could afford a second home but to her she thought we were both having a mental break-down of some sort...so it was so much fun to give to her...

I think about those days now, I think about if she were here now or if she had lived a few years longer than what she did, how much more I could have done for her.  Although we took her on many vacations, I would have loved to have taken her, one more time, to her home in Nova Scotia. To the place where her Mom and Dad were from.   I would have taken her to dinner every week, not just once in awhile.  I could have given her a closet full of clothes but my guess is that she would have been so overwhelmed she would have saved it all as "her best" clothing for special days.  I would have taken her for manicures and pedicures.  I know she never had either of those and I would have taken her to Boston more.  She loved theater and plays.  I know that because every Christmas I took her to see Dickens Christmas Carol at the small local theater here. Now that was real dress-up event...break out the jewels Dick, she's going to the theater.  So many things, I didn't get to give her.  So much time wasted in bitter arguments before healing came to us.  Now, so many springs gone by...I miss the thrill of stealing with her...so what if they were only flowers, it was still kind of fun to break the stems, toss them to each other and run like crazy...I loved that as a kid.  

The list could go on and on of what gifts I could have shared with her but in truth...those gifts are not the gifts that she would even have wanted.  I know my Mother well enough to know what gifts matter most to her, what gifts she would have loved to hold in her hands.  She would have wanted the gifts of more time with her son, the one she lost the year before we lost her.  She would have wanted to know that the 3 left behind are all doing well and honor her as best we can by making her proud of where we stand today.  She would have loved to watch her grandchildren grow and get married.  To know that my son is on his chosen path because of her living and then dying.  Her love for him was overwhelming and he used that love to give to others in his own way...knowing that nothing is permanent.  Jenna also would have made her day with her joy and outright laughter and being strong and successful in her own right.  The most special gift from Jenna though would be the gifts of Liam and Jaxson...she would have loved to have held those babies and watched them grow. She would have loved the goodness of one and the naughtiness of the other, both with hearts full of joy and cheeks made for kissing. I somehow have to believe though, that from her soft pillow in the universe she watches over all of her gifts...and she is saying "what more could I want ?"  Her answer would be, "nothing more." Finally, she has the gift of acceptance and validation, that her life had meaning and purpose and lots of love.  What more could one ask for as they skid into heaven...but acknowledgment for a job well done...a life lived to the best of their ability and at times with great sacrifice.  She did the best that she could do with what she had. She leaves behind, even to this day warmth and a genuine attitude of having all that she ever needed and that our expectation today of all that we tend to gather would just be foolishness to her. She was smarter than I gave her credit for.

So Happy Birthday Mom...it was a hella of a ride.  I'm down here stealing the Lilac's for you..and smelling your beauty...every spring...just as you would expect me to...and May 28th is going back to being special once more.  A day that I can again love..because I'm the keeper of your gifts.  I truly hope someone up there is baking a cake for you...because that is one thing you always loved...even for breakfast..

Be Happy

Pause Awhile

We all need time to reflect, to put things in

perspective, to truly value things in our lives and to

appreciate them.  To reflect properly, we must be

calm and balanced.  Put your life on pause.  Sit on a 

quiet beach or in a tranquil garden.  Somewhere

you can muse without distraction.  Calmness and 

balance will join you there.

"The hardest thing to see is what is in front

of your eyes...Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

From the book Be Happy by

Patrick Lindsay...

Once Again for Be Still

 I first posted this image on Flickr in June of 2014.  It was a side-lighting lesson for my Be Still 52 class...we are now on week 49 and this weeks lesson was to go back and look at our Be Still photo's from the past year and share one.  We were also asked to give a meaning of what being still means to us...For me, it is quite simple, time alone with peace and quiet and my thoughts or perhaps no thoughts.  I get my be still moments in nature, a walk in the woods, a day by the sea, time in our house in Maine with so much quiet, I can hear it.  Resting under a tree, listening to the birds sing and most assuredly, in my meditation class.

We all have our own time and our own ways of being still.  In the busyness of life, I hope you can find your way to some quiet time and space, giving thanks for all the gifts we receive each day.  I will always be thankful for this year of classes in Be Still with Kim Klassen.  I have learned to slow down, to see with a photographes eye, to edit with care and creativness.  To be a still life photographer, one has to learn first to Be Still.  

Processed in Lightroom and then I took it into Photoshop for texture and type...One layer of KK Simple at 34 % with soft light, and then a layer of KK Waterfront 1 at Multiply at 51%...

A New Toy..Part 2

Awhile back I wrote about my new little camera..the Fugi X-E2.  I wanted something that performed like a dslr but felt more like a point and shot..I have two of the Canon camera's from the G-series but they were not giving me what I wanted..so after much research and talking to friends and store associates, I got the Fuji. It came with a kit lens that is lovely and great for walking the hood or for inside work but I wanted more, it seems I always want more, so last week I bought the high end 18-135.  In 35mm format that equals 24-210. Perfect.  I was so pleased with the weight of it and was amazed that the little camera held it so well. Last Saturday I took my new friend for a walk to test it out.  We went to Long Hill, a Trustee's of the Reservation property and spring was just popping there.

So I wanted to share with you a few photo's from that day for my Friday Finds..all of the photo's are unedited, except one, where I added a bit of light.  I wanted you to see what this camera does SOOC.  So many people share photo's that they take with equipment but most often they have been edited first..The fuji is special in that the color is amazing, just like the 35mm film colors.  I did have a polarizer on.  I never leave home without it...so, here we go.  I would love to hear your opinions on the results...and I promise next time they will be edited but I have to say...unedited makes for fast processing...

So after just one time out I am in love with this lens..I love the bokeh, the sharpness and the range.  Just enough for what I wanted it to do..I was even pleased to see that it was capable of giving a bit of a macro feel to some of the flowers.  The color in the camera is really amazing to me. So no more ropes around my neck for the every day things. This one can sit in the car with me.  I would never give up my big Canon's though for the big and important jobs...well, not until Fugi and I become much better friends...Enjoy your weekend and your Finds..wherever they may be.

"When I'm taking my last breath, 

I want to look at how I used up the best of myself.

How much did I sweat,

push, pull, fall, hit, crash, explode?

My dream is to be so well used that in 

my last half-second, I just burst into dust."

Elizabeth Streb...

Creative Myths...Finding My Own Path

A week ago today I was attending a workshop with Julia Cameron, writer of The Artist Way.  I had already spent Friday night with her at her two hour presentation of Creative Myths and Monsters...and we had two more days to go. It was a full house...so many people, both men and woman.  I was settling in for a long day of what I thought was going to be so inspiring and informative.  It would be another opportunity for me to spend some really great, creative time and learning with another author. I had already taken a workshop with Natalie Goldberg, who turned me around in my writing..so I was really geared up for Julia.  It didn't happen for me and I was really disappointed.  The disappointment wasn't in the fact that I didn't learn anything, because I did.  It wasn't about the people, because they were lovely for the most part.  It was because I felt like a fish out of water in what the material and the class instruction was about.  

The Friday night session was a time for us to meet Julia and to actually get a sense of who she was.  She was slow and thoughtful and her mission I guess, was to get those that were blocked creatively, to come alive over the weekend.  Her style for this unfortunately, was not my style. Friday night was a settling in night, so I hadn't figure that part out yet.  Basically, we heard about God, about the fact that we are all creative human beings and we listened to her read some of her poems from her book of prayers. The rest of the night we took out our notebooks, sang a song and then wrote on a blank sheet of paper the numbers 1-5 or 1-10..she would give a prompt and we would write maybe a sentence  or maybe only a word about the prompt...example...blank page-number 1-5, in another lifetime if you could be some one else who would it be..I wrote names..like Queen of England, Cher, Elizabeth Berg...you get the idea...and then we formed clusters of 3...every one in my cluster...wrote something like singer, dancer, cowgirl. etc..right away I was off to a bad start. Blank pages, numbers and clusters continued for the rest of the night.  We were told about Morning Pages at the end..and why they were important...lots of discussion about that. Then homework..yup, Morning Pages.

Saturday morning at 9:30 I arrive at the lecture hall, find my set and settle in.  Today is going to be the day that she speaks about life and passions and creativity.  How we foster it and grow it and learn to love it and put it in it's right place in our lives.  Oh, here she comes now...looking exactly the same as last night.  She takes her place at the podium...and tells us to drop our work on the floor, hands on knees, eyes closed and she reads another poem from her book Prayers to a Great Creator.  After that we sing a song...next...blank page...number 1-10  "Proud that I.. go.  So we are off and running again..I was o.k. for about the first 6 and then I was struggling to come up with 4 more things that I was "proud that I.." so my last few answers were kind of lame...next, clusters of 3. The clusters were where we sorted out our answers. This went on all morning.  With a few songs thrown in and a couple little stories but certainly no direction.  Lunch break homework...go for a 20 minute walk by yourself...

After my 20 minute walk and wonderful lunch in a most gorgeous place...I was feeling better and back to class I went.  I changed seats.  I was tired of clustering with the same people and thought a new perspective would help and it really did..."Books on the floor, hands on your knees, eyes closed".  Another prayer, another song.."blank sheet of paper, number from 1-10.  Excavating...go. Dig deep.  creative, dreamy, loving, generous, etc.  Cluster of 2, sit with new people..finally I found  someone I could relate to.  "Do you think this is all there is, clusters all day long..", Me..."I hope not".  This is not what I expected.  She told me that the girl she came with had already decided not to come back.  We shared that we expected more..from Julia.  We were learning but not the way or what we wanted.  So, the day went on and nothing changed. Long story short, at the end of Saturday, after 7 hours of "clusters'...and song...I had had enough and I didn't go to the Sunday session.  I did walk and think about this.  The decision was not made lightly but the class was just not what I was looking for.  I wasn't lost and my creative energy was not stuck.  I knew exactly what I wanted to do, just with a bit of guidance from a long time writer.  Not all was wasted though. In fact, it was a beautiful weekend in Western Massachusetts.

The minute I drove up the drive-way to Kripalu the world of worry, stress or anything else that was bothering me, that I didn't even know was bothering me, melted away.  The main building sits high on a hill and you immediately feel the peace that generates from the enviroment that is Kripalu.  Spring time in Western Mass is beautiful, even more so, when it's late or after a harsh winter like we just experienced.  This weekend the sun was shinning and the great outdoors was open to do it's healing.  My husband came with me for the weekend but not for the workshop.  We stayed at a beautiful B&B touching the Kripalu property.  It works it's magic just in the nature of it's policy and restrictions.  It oozes healing and it clears the mind and then the body of all things negative and then deposits everything positive that you need in your life, even if only for three days..I checked in, got my badge and went to my first session on Friday.

Have you ever had a silent breakfast...I'm not talking about a silent breakfast because your the only one home..I'm talking about a silent, meditative breakfast in a room of perhaps 200 people. That how each day is started at Kripalu..and although my first time many years ago was difficult, I find I look forward to it now. People just nod, smile and get on with the meditative process of eating.  All of the food is organic, fresh and healthy, right down to the homemade peanut butter and fresh baked bread and scones. Farm fresh eggs, wholesome oatmeal or quinoa hot cereal, with toppings of unsweetened coconut, dried and fresh fruit, nuts of all kinds and goat, soy and rice milk.  So many choices...I would go just for the food.  They also have a Buddha bar..for strictly vegan...I not vegan but I go there for some of those choices.  Lunch and dinner offer everything fresh also but they are not silent.  You can get silent if you go to the room across the hall.

So the weekend progressed and I was in a place that fills me up. Julia was interesting and lovely.  To meet her was a gift.  Her books are well worth reading and for those who do struggle with their creative path this program was probably just what they needed...At the end of the weekend, after my last 20 minute walk alone, I also got what I came for.  I came to slow my mind down.  To think of where I wanted to go with this writing and photography path of mine.  I learned where I was being sabotaged and also were I was letting myself down. I learned that you meet new friends wherever you go, especially when your like minded. I also learned that you can sing beautiful songs and sound rich and good as long as your in a room of 150 other people who probably sound just as bad as you do...but who cares.  I learned a lot and came home with some new directions that I will try my hardest to put into place.  Maybe not at once but a little at a time...letting go of some things and tackling others.  I also learned, most importantly that I am the kind of person that needs to escape into nature and myself a lot more than I have been doing lately...I need it to feed my mind and my creative spirit...It's where I belong.  As for Kripalu , I have been there many times. My son has taught there so I'm quite familiar with it and I know that it will occasionally be a part of my life.  It is unique in it's goodness and it's only a 2 1/2 drive away and its a gift I can give myself.  Even without a program...anyone can go for an R&R weekend...if your in the area, give it a try.  It will amaze you and set you free for whatever your path is..

I would like to share my weekend with Julia in a few photo's of Kripalu..unfortuantely camera's and cell phones are not allowed in the building so I couldn't get a snap of her...and the entire weekend without my cell phone somehow was not a problem at all..it was releasing...I did say it was unique, right...

 One my walk...tiniest of waterfalls..

 Blooming...

  It's not often that I come across an Elephant on my walk...all things are possible..

Lunch Break

Crossing Over to New Possibilities

Resting and Restoring and writing.

Gathering with new found friends. Connecting face to face.  Reading with joy.

I have learned, as a rule of thumb,

never to ask whether you can do something,

Say, instead, that you are doing it. 

Then fasten your seat belt.

The most remarkable things follow..

Julia Cameron...The Artist Way.