What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
Like a raisin in the sun?
or fester like a sore..
and then run.
That's what I had started thinking about this past year. It was a year to take stock of where I was going or even if I was going. I had so many dreams for myself in this world of photography and yet I didn't feel that I was making much progress in my efforts to get there. I was like that perverbial "bump on the log", coming to my computer every day, checking mail, facebook and flickr. Easy and relaxing.. then I would go to bed feeling unfullfilled, saying, tomorrow, there is always tomorrow...
Well tomorrow finally came after lots of reflection and sifting through my brain for the real cause of my "road block" and it was a road block that didn't happen overnight, I'd been bumping up against it for at least a year. I realized that I was the only one who could make this happen if I wanted it bad enough. Sure it was scary and I knew it would be difficult. I am not a computer wiz..but I knew I couldn't sit frozen in my chair any longer. I also knew what I wanted to do. So now the task of pushing through the fear of all the learning curves was the only way to get to the root of my own creative self. Was I willing to do the work this time. Was I willing to take the leap of faith that tells me I am creative and that I just to have to stick to the process like frosting on a cake, to enjoy the benefits of my creative skills.
I spent the month of December, 2011 dreading the month of January 2012. I wallowed in a sadness and fear that I had not experienced in many years. I could not shake this feeling of doom that was hanging over me. My mind wandered and fretted over the smallest things. My birthday was coming and I was hating it. I can't tell you the last time a birthday took me down, but this one did. O.K. I'll say it......65. Oh my God, how did I get this old, I don't want to be 65. When your 65 you get a medicare care, are you kidding me. I don't want to carry that red, white and blue cheesy card around. They could of at least laminated it. It's not going to last as long as I'm hoping I'll need it. When you turn 65 it won't be long before you'll be 70, holy crap. Are you getting the idea of where I was going for the ENTIRE MONTH before my birthday. I was going nowhere.
Then the day came. Lord help me make it through this day. No parties, just a small family dinner would be fine and gifts..well it is a birthday, right. Guess what, the day came, I survived and it isn't as bad as I would have though. It was then, after the date, that I decided that I could either stay frozen in my "white matter of space" or I could embrace life like I have for the past 35 years, with gusto, a sense of adventure and the love and thanks of each day that I am blessed with. None of us know how long we have, no matter what our age, so we better make the most of each day, living in the joy of what we love and who we love. I love writing, photography and my family. I still have dreams for myself and a dream deferred is a life not lived.
So this is my year and I've been working hard with a bit of help from my friends. Kim Klassen announced a 52 week class in Beyond Layers...very scary but I signed up. How would I stay focused and learn for 52 weeks. I would dig my heels in and just learn whatever I could and hopefully the rest would come. In two short months I have not missed a lesson and have become empowered again with self-confidence. I am amazed at my dedication to this class and each week when I accomplish the task I get so excited for myself. Way to go Cheryl.
Then there was my blog. I loved blogging and had recently just started one. I had it set up on iWeb and then late last year found out that iWeb was phasing out...oh no, there goes my blogging days and what will happen to my photo gallery. So I researched. I read Blissful Blogging and The Art of Blogging and it was all so confusing. Again, KIm came to my rescue with the perfect blog site for me to try. For me it has a hugh learning curve but I plugged along, with the help of my husband (my personal techie) and we both learned and learned some more. It has been a challenge and some days I have had to walk away but today, for the first time, I'm blogging again on my lovely new web-page...Way to go Cheryl
So if has been an interesting journey being 65, I said that a bit easier this time. I know that I will continue to learn, to blog and to build my creative life with my dreams. They are all there in my head and in my heart. No longer on the deferred list. I have a renewed energy, a sense of purpose again and a longing to get it "all done". This is just the beginning of this web-site...check back in later and you'll see my Photo Web site. I haven't started it yet but in my mind, it is finished.
So my friends, welcome to Cheryl's World. Come often, grab a cup of tea and enjoy life with me. It will be a wonderful ride. What about you...any dreams your deferring because of fear.
Oh, and someday...I'm going to write a book...
Carpe Diem my friends.
Cheryl
A hugh thank you to Kim Klassen for all you do each day for all of us who need a bit of stroking. Your the best. And to Jim, who knows how to navigate the web so much better than I do. I just know how to navigate him..with love.
Poem by Langston Hughes